KYOTO, Japan — Horror spreads throughout a nation today as the beloved creator of such classic videogames as Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, and Donkey Kong forced his way into Nintendo Headquarters, slaying 12 employees, wounding 34 more, and decapitating the current CEO, Mr. Satoru Iwata.
It all began around 8:37 A.M. local time, when Shigeru Miyamoto posted a picture to his new Instagram account holding what appears to be a comically-large AR-15 assault rifle. The caption reads, “Bout to shoot this muthafucka up!!!1 ;)” A few minutes later the post had already accumulated tens of thousands of likes and many hundreds of comments, some cheering the current General Manager on, while others responded in dismay.
Mr. Miyamoto then entered the building, apparently shouldering his automatic weapon and killing the two guards with a bow and arrow. One witness described him as screaming, “Silver arrow, bitch!”
Miyamoto, carrying with him several changes of clothing, dashed into the main offices and opened fire. After stalking the cubicles for several minutes in a search for survivors, he took an elevator to Mr. Iwata’s office, discarding his rifle on the floor. Brandishing a pistol and Hyrulian shield, Mr. Miyamoto held Nintendo’s CEO captive while awaiting the police. Before they could arrive, however, Miyamoto decapitated his boss, holding his head in the air for an indeterminate amount of time. Finally, Japanese police arrived and subdued the now-passive and fully cooperative gunman.
Many perceive this atrocity as confounding considering that Mr. Miyamoto, who never produced a violent videogame, could commit such a heinous act. “He must have just snapped,” commented one Nintendo Miiverse user by the name of ‘xX Pikachu783 Xx.’ Others have speculated that Mr. Miyamoto was disappointed in the new direction that Nintendo recently announced it was taking in the health and fitness arena, the so called “Quality of Life” or “QOL.” As Miyamoto was being dragged away, one survivor reported hearing him whisper, “Vitality sensor. Hmph… Over my dead body.”
Mr. Miyamoto, rushed by reporters as he was escorted off the premises, offered a brief statement before being pushed into the Megazord, or Gundam, or whatever:
I warned you all that I wanted to take a step back — a more “hands-off” approach to making games. Mr. Iwata had other plans, and, well… I guess he paid the price for crossing me.
It is now expected by most in the Japanese community that the disgraced game maker will commit seppuku with his replica Master Sword.